Rediscovery

I always prided myself in that the fact that I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted. I knew how I would accomplish it and I had a great understand of myself. Now I am lost in this immense world of unknown. The world that I once knew, it had balance and structure, which has now become frightening and immensely dense with factors beyond my control. I am rediscovering myself. I used to be someone and now I’m not. I am not the independent, confident woman with her best friend by her side that I once was. I am now a lonely, vulnerable girl without guidance, without strength. In order to rediscover I must first revive my strength. My life is now lacking the importance that it once had. The feeling of defeat is consuming.

Memories

As a part of grief my mind is constantly flooded with memories from the past. Some memories call me back into the happier, more carefree world (or that’s how I remember it!) before my life was shaken by the loss of Stacie. Other memories are of times I regret, that now are impossible to “make up for.” And when I am not remembering, I am projecting into a future with its perpetually empty space-the years of missing Stacie.

But wait. This is the moment. This is the day I have. When these thoughts invade my being I cannot surrender to them I have to imagine letting all the residue of the past, all thoughts about the future, slip away until they lie in a circle around my feet. I then step over them, walk into a different room and look around. I am trying to be fully present in this day – this day is precious in itself and different from any other day I have had or will have.

Even though I may have tears I am happy with how far I have come and to have the support of a few people that I didn’t think would have the energy. I aspire to be a better friend to those people that are helping me.

Divine Presence - Internal Revelation!

Loneliness is one of the afflictions of grief. I miss Stacie, but that's not all. I miss the world the way it used to be, without this loss that shadows my every step. I miss the image of the future with Stacie in it.

I feel alone because so much of my life right now is internal-the agonizing questions, the turmoil. Who can share that with me? I feel separated from the rest of the world. I walk along the street and the people I pass seem carefree and unburdened. Of course that isn't so, but when this grief is so consuming, other people seem to be from an alien land.

Of course my family and friends are close, but even they cannot know the depths of my grief.

To whom to turn? I often think that it would help immeasurably if I could think of the Divine Presence, alive in everyone except me. A presence that would stabilize me, compassionately hold me, bring me peace. I am without this presence-trustworthy, kind and strong. I am lacking it. Maybe I am able to overcome this without it. Or will I succumb to the grief and let it overrun me?