"Life is about the Journey"

Monday’s are always emotional, exhausting days for me, but I get through them and usually am enlightened by Tuesday by all that was experienced on Monday. Today may be the exception to that. Today as I was driving back to the office I saw a shuttle bus that said “Life is about the Journey”. Wow, how is such a simple statement printed on the side of a shuttle bus so profound and thought provoking? Hmmmm…..this really got me thinking about the journey that I have been on in my 30 years of life. After I saw this shuttle bus I turned off my radio and just thought about it. I often reflect on certain aspects of my life, but never the entire ‘journey’, which in essence is what it truly is. No body knows what the future brings. We can only look upon the past to help predict the future, but by no means is this a true depiction of the future. It is merely a tool we use to feel like we have complete control of our lives and what the future shall bring.

I have realized that I need to live for today, not for what’s to come or for things that I can’t change. I am in the midst of my journey and I have forgotten that I am on one. The journey is like a plane on its way from Vegas to LA when all of a sudden the pilot forgets and they end up in Phoenix. That is how I have felt lately. My life is an emotional rollercoaster and my friends and family have suffered. I am doing my best to begin my journey again, but my attempts haven’t been completely successful. By seeing this shuttle bus it has somehow made me remember why I am here and what life is all about.

Stacie loved life and anyone that knew her knew that. She was always smiling and made everything look easy. She had such a zest for life that was undeniable. She lived in the moment. After she was diagnosed the second time she knew what her future held but she didn’t let the news of that end her journey. She knew that she was going to have to fight for her future and she was up for that. She also knew when it was time that her journey here was over and she would begin her eternal life. By watching this unfold before my eyes, I didn’t realize it at the time but I now do, it has forever changed me. It has made me want to live in the moment and appreciate the little things in life, springtime, the laughter of my children, my husband’s voice. I never thought about these things before, now I realize how much I love them. It is so hard to focus on any of the great things in life when grief has ravaged my life. It is hard to remember how “life” was. I know that my life will never be the same and I understand that now. My bout with grief is not over, but it is getting more manageable as the days go on. My journey is not over yet and I plan to rejoin my family and friends! Stacie will be forever loved and missed and she will remain a part of my life through memories!

My point is, don’t forget what life is really about!

Come on People!

The world baffles me. It has been almost 5 months since Stacie joined the angels and everyday is still a struggle. The fact that she was taken so young is baffling enough, but the reason I am baffled today is about how people react to me and the loss of my best friend. So many people seem to be afraid of me. Like I am a walking time bomb and I might blow at any minute. I might, but my tears won’t burn. I understand that tears make people uncomfortable, so god forbid I make someone uncomfortable, but why do people say things when they really have no idea how it feels to loss your best friend at the age of 31 years old. If you don’t know what to say just say “I don’t know what to say”. That is okay, I am so sick of hearing the same stupid things. “Time will heal.” I understand that time will help, but nothing will heal. I will FOREVER miss her and no matter how much time passes that will not heal. Another one is “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I especially don’t like this one. I am NOT Christian. I don’t even know if there is a God. I have lost my mother, my father and my best friend. I better just stop right now because I can tell you that I can’t handle anything more. So, I hope God got the memo.

There is no right way to grieve and everyone does it at their own pace. Most people go through the same steps but some may take longer than others on each step. Is this okay? Of course it’s okay. But for someone who has never been in my shoes to tell me why I am sad, I just don’t get, nor will I listen. I don’t want advice, unless I ask, I probably don’t want it.

I am at a stage in my grieving that I would like to sleep all day and never get up. I would like to talk to no one and stay in bed. I obviously can’t do this, but I wish that I could. Would it be healthy? Probably not, so I go through my days in a fog, but I do make it. Some are harder than others. The things that make me happy in a day are when I hear a song that Stacie loved, or when I look at pictures of her and remember the great times that we had together. Sometimes when I hear a song I will cry or sometimes when I look at a picture I cry, but sometimes I just remember and no tears flow. It might even make me smile.

It makes me happy to remember what a vibrant person she was before cancer stole her. I love to see pictures of her and her boys and remember how much she loved them and would give anything for them. On the other side it makes me ponder why I am still able to see my babies everyday and my children still have their mother and hers do not? I know I will never get this answer, but I am always thinking this.

I know that I will never have a bond like I had with Stacie. Does it make me sad? No. Does it make me angry? No. Stacie and I had a special connection that I have never had with anyone and will never have again, but I consider myself lucky to have had her in my life for the 16 years that I did. Some people go through their whole life without that experience and I know that I am lucky to have had it. Stacie and I had silly dreams together, but at least we had them. We won’t get to share all of our hopes and dreams for the future anymore. We won’t get to sit in rocking chairs on the porch and drink milk instead of wine and ponder about what the future brings and this really makes me sad.

I have moved past the anger and the resentment that I once felt and now I am consumed by emptiness and sadness. I am comforted by the fact that one day I will be able to enjoy life guilt free and remember her in the way she deserves to be remembered.

I guess my point is if you don’t know what to say, just don’t say anything!