Rediscovery

I always prided myself in that the fact that I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted. I knew how I would accomplish it and I had a great understand of myself. Now I am lost in this immense world of unknown. The world that I once knew, it had balance and structure, which has now become frightening and immensely dense with factors beyond my control. I am rediscovering myself. I used to be someone and now I’m not. I am not the independent, confident woman with her best friend by her side that I once was. I am now a lonely, vulnerable girl without guidance, without strength. In order to rediscover I must first revive my strength. My life is now lacking the importance that it once had. The feeling of defeat is consuming.

Memories

As a part of grief my mind is constantly flooded with memories from the past. Some memories call me back into the happier, more carefree world (or that’s how I remember it!) before my life was shaken by the loss of Stacie. Other memories are of times I regret, that now are impossible to “make up for.” And when I am not remembering, I am projecting into a future with its perpetually empty space-the years of missing Stacie.

But wait. This is the moment. This is the day I have. When these thoughts invade my being I cannot surrender to them I have to imagine letting all the residue of the past, all thoughts about the future, slip away until they lie in a circle around my feet. I then step over them, walk into a different room and look around. I am trying to be fully present in this day – this day is precious in itself and different from any other day I have had or will have.

Even though I may have tears I am happy with how far I have come and to have the support of a few people that I didn’t think would have the energy. I aspire to be a better friend to those people that are helping me.

Divine Presence - Internal Revelation!

Loneliness is one of the afflictions of grief. I miss Stacie, but that's not all. I miss the world the way it used to be, without this loss that shadows my every step. I miss the image of the future with Stacie in it.

I feel alone because so much of my life right now is internal-the agonizing questions, the turmoil. Who can share that with me? I feel separated from the rest of the world. I walk along the street and the people I pass seem carefree and unburdened. Of course that isn't so, but when this grief is so consuming, other people seem to be from an alien land.

Of course my family and friends are close, but even they cannot know the depths of my grief.

To whom to turn? I often think that it would help immeasurably if I could think of the Divine Presence, alive in everyone except me. A presence that would stabilize me, compassionately hold me, bring me peace. I am without this presence-trustworthy, kind and strong. I am lacking it. Maybe I am able to overcome this without it. Or will I succumb to the grief and let it overrun me?

Questions?? Life??

What does "living life to the fullest" really mean? Isn't one of the privileges of life to take life for granted? To disengage, to let time pass unexamined? If we can't do this what is the point of life? Who wants to be burdened with the impossible task of living life to the fullest?

Can stopping to smell the roses or listening to the laughter of your children be considered living life to the fullest? Is their somewhere that will tell me the definition? Who is the judge? Or is happiness the judge?

Strange

In a strange, paradoxical way, Stacie seems to accompany me, like a shadow only slightly removed from my own being. This didn't happen in any sustained fashion right away. Perhaps I had to wait a while, know the reality of separation, and give myself time for the components of my life to sift down into the new patterns before I could begin to see that the relationship with her is not over. It is different, but not over. It is not what I would wish, but it has its own reality and comfort.

Perhaps my sense of Stacie comes unbidden; perhaps I invoke it by my thoughts. It comes to me in different ways-a sense of her presence, of warmth and love in the room. A dream that speaks directly to my need.

I am now able to accept this as a gift and I am so grateful that I was able to open my mind and realize the origin and meaning of this experience.

I tell myself, I will welcome as gifts the memory and presence of love! This helps me get through the days and begin to create a "new normal".

Thanks for reading, hug your loved ones today and tell them how much they mean to you.

Monday's

Another intense Monday. I have come to appreciate them and actually look forward to the intensity that Monday's bring. They are always enlightening and enriching and today is no exception. I heard a very interesting statement today. "I miss the absence of her/his presence." This made me stop and think. Interesting statement, if you just hear it you might not stop to listen or let it overcome you, but if you do, as you will now, it is very profound really. When you lose someone close to you, you miss the little things that you never would of thought that you would miss. I miss Stacie more than I can express in words hearing this kind of put it into perspective some what. It made me realize that the things I miss about her are just the silly things, I miss her Good Morning texts, I miss her laugh, I miss our gossip sessions, I miss the closeness that I had with her. We had a special bond that I have never had with anyone else and it was amazing. I know that my life is enriched by her friendship. My life will never be the same and that is okay!

I know that by writing down my thoughts it helps me muddle through them, so hopefully in my quest to find a "new normal" I am also able to help someone else along the way.

Relay for Life - May 7th

The Relay for Life is fast approaching and I am so excited to be a part of it for the 2nd year. It is so inspirational to be there, on the football field with survivors, caretakers, friends and family, and know that we are all there pulling together for ONE cause! To help fight cancer and support the survivors and remember the many more that have fought a hard battle with cancer and have began their eternal life. Last year was amazing. It was so moving to see Stacie out there supporting a cause that she was thrown into with no options. I am proud to say that I was out there to support her as well. And thank you so much to Carrie and Christen for organizing it all and being there for Stacie when it was so important to her. I am happy to see that there are more people this year that have decided to support the cause and join in the fight against cancer. I just wish that you guys had made it out last year to show your support to Stacie, it would have meant so much to her. I know that she will be there with us all as we make our way around the track on May 7th and we show our support to the survivors and reestablish our team motto this year, STAY strong!

Food, Inc.

It's amazing the things you will discover in the most random places. I was watching Food, Inc. last night and in the movie a women lost her 2 1/2 year old son to E-coli, she said that she was "trying to find her new normal". This struck me as an interesting comment that makes perfect sense in my life. I can totally relate. Although, I have never lost a child, I have lost many other people in my life and Stacie, being the toughest. I often feel like people are walking on egg shells around me, they don't know what to say, they get uncomfortable when I talk about her, they don't know if they can talk about her, it's just strange. Anyway, I keep saying that my life is never going to be the same, well this is such an excellent way to put it, because my life will never be 'normal' again I just have to find my new normal.

I am sure that this was not the intent of the film, but that is what I got from it. I mean I also got all of the other stuff, like eat less meat, eat organic. The USDA and the FDA are not looking out for our best interest and if the damn meat industry would stop feeding the cows corn and start feeding them grass that would eliminate a lot of our problems. The thing is most people know a little bit of this stuff already and are just not able to eat ALL organic or they don't think it's true, whatever the reason. But I was able to take something more relevant to my life today from it.

My point is normal is what you make of it and eat organic. That is my PSA for the day!

"Life is about the Journey"

Monday’s are always emotional, exhausting days for me, but I get through them and usually am enlightened by Tuesday by all that was experienced on Monday. Today may be the exception to that. Today as I was driving back to the office I saw a shuttle bus that said “Life is about the Journey”. Wow, how is such a simple statement printed on the side of a shuttle bus so profound and thought provoking? Hmmmm…..this really got me thinking about the journey that I have been on in my 30 years of life. After I saw this shuttle bus I turned off my radio and just thought about it. I often reflect on certain aspects of my life, but never the entire ‘journey’, which in essence is what it truly is. No body knows what the future brings. We can only look upon the past to help predict the future, but by no means is this a true depiction of the future. It is merely a tool we use to feel like we have complete control of our lives and what the future shall bring.

I have realized that I need to live for today, not for what’s to come or for things that I can’t change. I am in the midst of my journey and I have forgotten that I am on one. The journey is like a plane on its way from Vegas to LA when all of a sudden the pilot forgets and they end up in Phoenix. That is how I have felt lately. My life is an emotional rollercoaster and my friends and family have suffered. I am doing my best to begin my journey again, but my attempts haven’t been completely successful. By seeing this shuttle bus it has somehow made me remember why I am here and what life is all about.

Stacie loved life and anyone that knew her knew that. She was always smiling and made everything look easy. She had such a zest for life that was undeniable. She lived in the moment. After she was diagnosed the second time she knew what her future held but she didn’t let the news of that end her journey. She knew that she was going to have to fight for her future and she was up for that. She also knew when it was time that her journey here was over and she would begin her eternal life. By watching this unfold before my eyes, I didn’t realize it at the time but I now do, it has forever changed me. It has made me want to live in the moment and appreciate the little things in life, springtime, the laughter of my children, my husband’s voice. I never thought about these things before, now I realize how much I love them. It is so hard to focus on any of the great things in life when grief has ravaged my life. It is hard to remember how “life” was. I know that my life will never be the same and I understand that now. My bout with grief is not over, but it is getting more manageable as the days go on. My journey is not over yet and I plan to rejoin my family and friends! Stacie will be forever loved and missed and she will remain a part of my life through memories!

My point is, don’t forget what life is really about!

Come on People!

The world baffles me. It has been almost 5 months since Stacie joined the angels and everyday is still a struggle. The fact that she was taken so young is baffling enough, but the reason I am baffled today is about how people react to me and the loss of my best friend. So many people seem to be afraid of me. Like I am a walking time bomb and I might blow at any minute. I might, but my tears won’t burn. I understand that tears make people uncomfortable, so god forbid I make someone uncomfortable, but why do people say things when they really have no idea how it feels to loss your best friend at the age of 31 years old. If you don’t know what to say just say “I don’t know what to say”. That is okay, I am so sick of hearing the same stupid things. “Time will heal.” I understand that time will help, but nothing will heal. I will FOREVER miss her and no matter how much time passes that will not heal. Another one is “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I especially don’t like this one. I am NOT Christian. I don’t even know if there is a God. I have lost my mother, my father and my best friend. I better just stop right now because I can tell you that I can’t handle anything more. So, I hope God got the memo.

There is no right way to grieve and everyone does it at their own pace. Most people go through the same steps but some may take longer than others on each step. Is this okay? Of course it’s okay. But for someone who has never been in my shoes to tell me why I am sad, I just don’t get, nor will I listen. I don’t want advice, unless I ask, I probably don’t want it.

I am at a stage in my grieving that I would like to sleep all day and never get up. I would like to talk to no one and stay in bed. I obviously can’t do this, but I wish that I could. Would it be healthy? Probably not, so I go through my days in a fog, but I do make it. Some are harder than others. The things that make me happy in a day are when I hear a song that Stacie loved, or when I look at pictures of her and remember the great times that we had together. Sometimes when I hear a song I will cry or sometimes when I look at a picture I cry, but sometimes I just remember and no tears flow. It might even make me smile.

It makes me happy to remember what a vibrant person she was before cancer stole her. I love to see pictures of her and her boys and remember how much she loved them and would give anything for them. On the other side it makes me ponder why I am still able to see my babies everyday and my children still have their mother and hers do not? I know I will never get this answer, but I am always thinking this.

I know that I will never have a bond like I had with Stacie. Does it make me sad? No. Does it make me angry? No. Stacie and I had a special connection that I have never had with anyone and will never have again, but I consider myself lucky to have had her in my life for the 16 years that I did. Some people go through their whole life without that experience and I know that I am lucky to have had it. Stacie and I had silly dreams together, but at least we had them. We won’t get to share all of our hopes and dreams for the future anymore. We won’t get to sit in rocking chairs on the porch and drink milk instead of wine and ponder about what the future brings and this really makes me sad.

I have moved past the anger and the resentment that I once felt and now I am consumed by emptiness and sadness. I am comforted by the fact that one day I will be able to enjoy life guilt free and remember her in the way she deserves to be remembered.

I guess my point is if you don’t know what to say, just don’t say anything!

Wine:30

Oh it is wine:30 at my house. What is the end of the day without it? The boys were in rare form today and I thought about having a glass at lunch time, but didn't really think it went with quesadilla's and apples....hmmm you never know though, next time.

So, now I am sitting here with my random thoughts about how much I love wine. Red wine, white wine, I love it all. Life without wine would be no life at all. One of my favorite "wine" times was when I went to visit Stacie in the hospital when she was in patient at Sunrise. I went there after class and just had a bad day, so I brought a bottle of wine and we sat there for hours playing phase 10 watching bad tv while I drank wine and she listened to me complain about my bad day. Even though he day was must definitely worse than mine. I still remember it like it was yesterday. We always had a great time together no matter what or where we were. My beautiful bestie! I miss her so much.

I am going to go take a bath, read a book and drink some wine. Have a good night.

Wow

My mind is like a whirl wind. I wish I could slow it down. One minute I am happy, enjoying the kids and the next I am crying. Who knew that grief could take over one's life in so many ways. It has effected every aspect of my life. So much that I don't even feel like I am living life anymore, I just feel like I am going through the motions. It is an odd experience to say the least and not one that I would wish on anyone. Not only is the grief disruptive, but there is such a void in my life. Stacie was such a huge part of my everyday life. Everything I do I question myself and continue to. I then ask myself "what would Stacie tell me?" She would have the right answer. But she isn't here to ask. Tonight I went to a book club meeting and on my way home it was 10pm and I just wanted to call her.

I have so much pain, anger and sadness that she isn't here anymore. I feel her here with me, but I miss the physical. I want to see her smile, hear her laugh, give her a hug and gossip with her. I feel so lost. She has been gone for 3 months and I still feel like it isn't real. I just know I am going to wake up soon and it will be a bad dream. I miss her and love her so much and can not come to the realization that we will not make any new memories. What I have is all I am going to get.

I just want to learn how to live in the 'now' again, for myself, Kris and my three beautiful babies.