Wine:30

Oh it is wine:30 at my house. What is the end of the day without it? The boys were in rare form today and I thought about having a glass at lunch time, but didn't really think it went with quesadilla's and apples....hmmm you never know though, next time.

So, now I am sitting here with my random thoughts about how much I love wine. Red wine, white wine, I love it all. Life without wine would be no life at all. One of my favorite "wine" times was when I went to visit Stacie in the hospital when she was in patient at Sunrise. I went there after class and just had a bad day, so I brought a bottle of wine and we sat there for hours playing phase 10 watching bad tv while I drank wine and she listened to me complain about my bad day. Even though he day was must definitely worse than mine. I still remember it like it was yesterday. We always had a great time together no matter what or where we were. My beautiful bestie! I miss her so much.

I am going to go take a bath, read a book and drink some wine. Have a good night.

Wow

My mind is like a whirl wind. I wish I could slow it down. One minute I am happy, enjoying the kids and the next I am crying. Who knew that grief could take over one's life in so many ways. It has effected every aspect of my life. So much that I don't even feel like I am living life anymore, I just feel like I am going through the motions. It is an odd experience to say the least and not one that I would wish on anyone. Not only is the grief disruptive, but there is such a void in my life. Stacie was such a huge part of my everyday life. Everything I do I question myself and continue to. I then ask myself "what would Stacie tell me?" She would have the right answer. But she isn't here to ask. Tonight I went to a book club meeting and on my way home it was 10pm and I just wanted to call her.

I have so much pain, anger and sadness that she isn't here anymore. I feel her here with me, but I miss the physical. I want to see her smile, hear her laugh, give her a hug and gossip with her. I feel so lost. She has been gone for 3 months and I still feel like it isn't real. I just know I am going to wake up soon and it will be a bad dream. I miss her and love her so much and can not come to the realization that we will not make any new memories. What I have is all I am going to get.

I just want to learn how to live in the 'now' again, for myself, Kris and my three beautiful babies.