An older women once said to me " the only thing in my life I regret is the time I have spent worrying". Who doesn't look ahead in worry and regret? I look ahead and think "how will I survive the next holiday, or birthday when all I can think about is how Stacie should be here to celebrate. I try to remind myself that life is full of roads not taken, and while I mourn my beloved Stacie - that, too, was never assured. I would love to get off the worry train and savor the meaning of THIS day!

Remember to remind yourself, I will look upon this day as a gift, not to be squandered.

Rediscovery

I always prided myself in that the fact that I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted. I knew how I would accomplish it and I had a great understand of myself. Now I am lost in this immense world of unknown. The world that I once knew, it had balance and structure, which has now become frightening and immensely dense with factors beyond my control. I am rediscovering myself. I used to be someone and now I’m not. I am not the independent, confident woman with her best friend by her side that I once was. I am now a lonely, vulnerable girl without guidance, without strength. In order to rediscover I must first revive my strength. My life is now lacking the importance that it once had. The feeling of defeat is consuming.

Memories

As a part of grief my mind is constantly flooded with memories from the past. Some memories call me back into the happier, more carefree world (or that’s how I remember it!) before my life was shaken by the loss of Stacie. Other memories are of times I regret, that now are impossible to “make up for.” And when I am not remembering, I am projecting into a future with its perpetually empty space-the years of missing Stacie.

But wait. This is the moment. This is the day I have. When these thoughts invade my being I cannot surrender to them I have to imagine letting all the residue of the past, all thoughts about the future, slip away until they lie in a circle around my feet. I then step over them, walk into a different room and look around. I am trying to be fully present in this day – this day is precious in itself and different from any other day I have had or will have.

Even though I may have tears I am happy with how far I have come and to have the support of a few people that I didn’t think would have the energy. I aspire to be a better friend to those people that are helping me.

Divine Presence - Internal Revelation!

Loneliness is one of the afflictions of grief. I miss Stacie, but that's not all. I miss the world the way it used to be, without this loss that shadows my every step. I miss the image of the future with Stacie in it.

I feel alone because so much of my life right now is internal-the agonizing questions, the turmoil. Who can share that with me? I feel separated from the rest of the world. I walk along the street and the people I pass seem carefree and unburdened. Of course that isn't so, but when this grief is so consuming, other people seem to be from an alien land.

Of course my family and friends are close, but even they cannot know the depths of my grief.

To whom to turn? I often think that it would help immeasurably if I could think of the Divine Presence, alive in everyone except me. A presence that would stabilize me, compassionately hold me, bring me peace. I am without this presence-trustworthy, kind and strong. I am lacking it. Maybe I am able to overcome this without it. Or will I succumb to the grief and let it overrun me?

Questions?? Life??

What does "living life to the fullest" really mean? Isn't one of the privileges of life to take life for granted? To disengage, to let time pass unexamined? If we can't do this what is the point of life? Who wants to be burdened with the impossible task of living life to the fullest?

Can stopping to smell the roses or listening to the laughter of your children be considered living life to the fullest? Is their somewhere that will tell me the definition? Who is the judge? Or is happiness the judge?

Strange

In a strange, paradoxical way, Stacie seems to accompany me, like a shadow only slightly removed from my own being. This didn't happen in any sustained fashion right away. Perhaps I had to wait a while, know the reality of separation, and give myself time for the components of my life to sift down into the new patterns before I could begin to see that the relationship with her is not over. It is different, but not over. It is not what I would wish, but it has its own reality and comfort.

Perhaps my sense of Stacie comes unbidden; perhaps I invoke it by my thoughts. It comes to me in different ways-a sense of her presence, of warmth and love in the room. A dream that speaks directly to my need.

I am now able to accept this as a gift and I am so grateful that I was able to open my mind and realize the origin and meaning of this experience.

I tell myself, I will welcome as gifts the memory and presence of love! This helps me get through the days and begin to create a "new normal".

Thanks for reading, hug your loved ones today and tell them how much they mean to you.

Monday's

Another intense Monday. I have come to appreciate them and actually look forward to the intensity that Monday's bring. They are always enlightening and enriching and today is no exception. I heard a very interesting statement today. "I miss the absence of her/his presence." This made me stop and think. Interesting statement, if you just hear it you might not stop to listen or let it overcome you, but if you do, as you will now, it is very profound really. When you lose someone close to you, you miss the little things that you never would of thought that you would miss. I miss Stacie more than I can express in words hearing this kind of put it into perspective some what. It made me realize that the things I miss about her are just the silly things, I miss her Good Morning texts, I miss her laugh, I miss our gossip sessions, I miss the closeness that I had with her. We had a special bond that I have never had with anyone else and it was amazing. I know that my life is enriched by her friendship. My life will never be the same and that is okay!

I know that by writing down my thoughts it helps me muddle through them, so hopefully in my quest to find a "new normal" I am also able to help someone else along the way.